Intensity

Sometimes when I read my earlier posts about the military, I feel like my intensity level was turned up a little too high.  Part of that just comes from the fact that I’m an emotional person and have a tendency to make things sound more dramatic than necessary.  Although I’ve privately considered military service as an option for a while, it felt like a big deal to really accept the notion as a serious possibility, one that I talk about openly with other people.  This was a big transition intellectually, and that’s what fueled the dramatic feeling it gave me.  I felt like I had to really convince everyone (and myself) that this was what I wanted to do.  I developed my typical all-or-nothing approach and started talking about how if I was going to go, I would have to go all the way and entertained illusions of battle prowess.  Much of my thought swirled around ideas about the infantry, Ranger School, and a possible career in the Army.

In reality, this isn’t me.  Yes I can still see myself maybe pursuing those options someday, but I don’t think they are realistic if I want to be successful in any military service I might choose to pursue.  That’s part of what keeps my constant back and forth about this topic running; I consider options that are not really a good match for me, and then when I realize I can’t do them, I think the military as a whole is not a good option.  What I need to do is look at this more pragmatically, like a regular job.  In fact the “regular” job search I am also currently putting some energy into helped me realize this.

It’s true that the military has always held a certain amount of appeal, but it’s also true that much of why I want to join now is because of a lack of other options.  That’s not the same as saying, like I did before, that I’m desperate or depressed and giving up control of my own destiny simply because I’ve stopped caring.  Military service is one option among many others.  It might end up just being a place holder for a couple of years, a way for me to get some help with student debt and acquire training in a brand new field.  If I end up loving what I’m doing then it could turn into a career, but who can determine that at this point?  Another mistake I’ve made in the past is to put all my hopes and plans for the future into one big bundle and then define myself based on that intangible idea.

There was a time when I really, really want to be a teacher.  Of course I only decided this several months before graduation when there was no option of changing majors or transferring schools.  I researched the Teach For America program and created a whole life for myself  based on my participation in this program and where it would take me.  When I didn’t get into the program I was devastated and felt completely lost because in my head everything for the rest of my life hinged on that program.  It’s taken a long, long time to really bounce back from that experience, and I don’t want to make the same mistake with the Army.  “Being a soldier” can’t become an essential part of my identity in such a short time.  Maybe I won’t be accepted into the program or MOS I want, or maybe I’ll never be able to do 50 sit-ups in 60 seconds.  I have to be prepared for that contingency.

Anyway, speaking of sit-ups, my Hard Core class at the gym is going pretty well.  I find it really challenging but still manageable.  In the second and third week we did lunge and squat progressions, respectively, and neither caused any undue pain in my knee!  I’m not sure if I wrote too much about it here, but that knee was really starting to stress me out.  Not just because of the implications for the military but because I’ve never really had a physical injury like that.  No offense to you 30 and over crowd out there, but I felt old!  My body just wouldn’t do what I wanted, and I couldn’t understand why or do much about it without going to a doctor (which luckily I didn’t need to do).  I’m relieved that it seems to have healed with rest.